It's Time to Be Here, Not There

This is what happens when you live in the future.

I’m not sure what I want to do. I don’t even know if I want to write a book anymore. I’m just not a solitary person. I’d rather be out with the hubs and friends, or taking T Junior to the beach, than hunched over my laptop writing the beginnings of stories that I’ll abandon a few thousand words later.

Blogging is different. It provides instead feedback and sparks conversation. I enjoy that.

Maybe I’ll write a book when I’m older; when T Junior’s in college.

And, I don't know about the marathon either. My shin splints aren't going away and I wonder if maybe I'm not made to run 26.2 miles.

Running a 5K is different. For obvious reasons.

Maybe I'll run the full mary when I'm older; when T Junior's in college.

Over the three-day weekend, we (me, Mr. T and T Junior) went to a friend’s house on Lake Chelan with her family and another family. While it wasn’t exactly relaxing (we brought the dogs, there were young kids), I, we, had a great time (despite one argument with Mr. T, which often happens when we are out of our regular routine).

My favorite parts of the trip? Sitting on the beach, digging my toes into the sand, chatting with my friends, and watching our kids play together and explore the lake. And that actually was relaxing until T Junior went sprinting into the water.

Mr. T’s best friend was waist-high in the lake teasing his 4-year-old son with Doritos: “Come and get it!” T Junior wanted some neon-cheese chips pretty bad, I guess, and accepted the challenge. Of course, he was surprised when he went down in the frigid water, but Mr. T was right there to pull him out. He was fine after a few minutes, some Annie’s chocolate bunny crackers…and a chip.

Anyway, that night I had a hard time falling asleep. Mr. T breathed in and out slowly on his pillow to my left, Bennie snored carefree and exhausted in his crate and T Junior finger-sucked loudly in his Pack ‘N’ Play to my right. But the night noises weren’t what was keeping me awake.

Thoughts of the elusive marathon ran through my head. Then, the guilt of not writing; not working on my “book.” Next, I wondered why I wanted those two things so badly.

The answer was not new to me. I’ve always known it: Just to say I did it.

Then I asked myself a question that sort of hurt my feelings: Why can’t you just be happy where you are? Why do you have to constantly be striving for things that consistently make you feel like a failure?

The urge to cry almost overcame me, but I continued the conversation in my head. I have a wonderful family, a husband who loves me (even though I can be difficult), a thriving son, a nice house, some money in the bank, a safe car to get me to a job that I like. I am healthy, I am getting fit. I have lots of great friends (who continuously forgive my often-flaky behavior). I’m pretty damn lucky, in fact.

Why do I feel like I need more, more, more? To BE more, more, more.

I mean, who cares? Who cares if I’m a marathoner or an author? Besides me, of course. My husband loves me as I am now. My son loves me now. My parents love me now. No matter what. Why do I feel this drive to impress myself and other people all the time? Most of those people I don’t even know.

It’s like I’m trying to keep up with the Jones’s, except with accomplishments instead of with possessions.

I always thought I was a “dreamer,” dreaming up who and what I wanted to be and do in the future. Always thinking about the future. Never content with the present, that's me.

I decided to see what being a “dreamer” actually means, and I looked it up here. I took their personality test and found out I may not be a “dreamer” after all. According to the test, I am an “advocate.” Here’s what that means, according to the site:

“ENFPs (Extraverted, Intuition, Feeling, Perceptive) are introspective, values-oriented, inspiring, social and extremely expressive. They actively send their thoughts and ideas out into the world as a way to bring attention to what they feel to be important, which often has to do with ethics and current events. ENFPs are natural advocates, attracting people to themselves and their cause with excellent people skills, warmth, energy and positivity. ENFPs are described as creative, resourceful, assertive, spontaneous, life-loving, charismatic, passionate and experimental."

I specifically like this phrase: “They actively send their thoughts and ideas out into the world as a way to bring attention to what they feel to be important…”. Ahem, blogging.

Reading about ENFPs didn’t answer anything for me, but it was interesting anyway.

The thing is, I do care if I’m a marathoner. And I do care to be an author. But maybe that’s not going to happen as fast as I want it to. I want it now, like Veruca Salt. Maybe I just need to slow down. Not be in such a hurry to reach my goals.

Making myself happy is a good thing, but not if I’m miserable (or making others miserable) trying to get there. Not that I’m unhappy, but I often feel that I've failed somehow. It’s too easy to compare myself with others.

But I made up my mind (gasp! a decision?!) when I was drifting off in Chelan that night to slow down on my dreams. Take it easy; enjoy the journey of reaching my goals instead of clawing my way there.

Besides, there are some other things that have to be done in the here and now. I’m signing T Junior up for swim lessons this month. I’m going to make more date nights with Mr. T. I'd like to finish some scrapbooks. I think it would be fun to go on vacation more often with my family. I want to hang out with friends and watch trashy TV and drink wine. I'd like to enjoy running and working out and buying cute jeans. I want to read more. I want to keep blogging.
I don’t want to feel guilty about writing, or not writing, toward my author dream. I don’t want to feel panicked about running, or not running, toward my marathon dream.

I recognize that it's going to take some self-reminding. Upon returning home, I immediately got caught up in my usual "what's next?" mentality. But I really I want to be here now. I don't want to live in the future.
That's why, I decided, I’m going to be an advocate for the present.

Crossroads

In July of '09, the story of a couch-sitting, laptop-addicted, disc-herniated mom attempting to run a marathon began. I needed to move, I needed an adventure, I needed something to write about, and boy oh boy, did I get it.

And I almost completed my journey -- the inspiration for the book I've been working on. But now I won't be running a marathon on June 6. So, my story stops? Or continues?

I am not injured, but I almost am. So I have to take it easy, do some bike riding at the gym, maybe swimming. Someday, I'll get my marathon.

The plot thickens? Or, the book dies?

Organizing These Words

Hey, it's Friday!

Total Word Count as of 4/9/10:
Running Book Words: 7,730 (2,619 this week)
Children's Truck Book Time: 0 hours or words
 
I did lots of writing this week, but it's all ADD writing. At least it's on the same subject (running memoir project) and I've been keeping it in the same document. But I've been feeling like I need to get some sort of structure going on. I sort of feel lost in my 17-page Word file. Can you imagine when it gets longer?

I can and it's not a good situation.

How should I handle this? Different chapters in their own docs?

Today, was actually one of my less productive writing days. I only wrote about 450 words. But at least I did something! Like running, a little is better than none at all. Right?

I sort of feel weird that I'm actually saying, well writing, out loud that I'm working on a running memoir. It's so specific. Sort of scary.

And I'm trying to answer the "So what?" question. I feel like I need to bounce my answer(s) off of someone. Maybe it's time to find a critique group.

Obsess-Much?

I've been writing, just not here. But I really need to post updated word counts for The Pledge that I signed. I haven't been tracking it very well.

The thing is...when I write, I work all over a document. Sometimes I start from the top. Sometimes from the bottom. And sometimes all I do is edit (which isn't good, I need to save that for the end of the writing process). It just depends on my mood.

And I'm not sure how to track for the children's book I'm supposed to be working on. Maybe I will track time instead. I'll have to start writing it down.

It's just that, lately, I have been obsessed with an idea about my experience training for a marathon. And, I had to finish up a fun little freelance article I was writing for the NW Jobs section in the Seattle Times (scheduled to run April 18).

Soooo...here's my first word/time count for each piece.

As of 4/2/10:
Running Book Words: 5,111
Children's Truck Book Time: N/A

Re-Inspired

I was starting to have my doubts.

The past couple of days, I've been thinking maybe this author thing isn't for me. I just don't seem to be as passionate about it as I should be. Maybe I only have enough enthusiasm for one hobby at a time because running is really taking over and pushing writing out of its way.

But then I had my monthly SCBWI Western Washington meeting tonight. I can't believe I considered not going as I sat in traffic on I-5.

If you want to be a children's (or any genre really) author, I highly recommend joining the Society of Children's Bookwriters and Illustrators. The meetings are full of aspiring writers and authors. You can feel the passion and the energy all around you.

I'm so glad I went. Not only was tonight's speaker, Erik Brooks, entertaining and inspiring, but a new friend was there, and she always makes me feel better. She recently published her first children's book, The Terrible Tenor. She's also a runner and has encouraged me multiple times to turn my Mom vs. Marathon blog into a book, which (I have to be honest) I've thought about before.

But I have no idea what angle to go after on what seems like a very broad, possibly overdone topic. So I'll think about it some more, which is what I always do until the excitement bubble pops and drains all my juicy ideas till my brain dries up.

No!

I'm going to work on this. I'm feeling re-inspired after tonight.