I came down the stairs around 9 p.m. Friday after having put our toddler son to bed late. We had a busy evening. My husband was still working, as employees of that big software company in Redmond tend to do when they get home.
I went straight to the kitchen to pick up dirty dishes and put away clutter when he said it.
"Have you been working on any of your books lately?"
My back was to him as I tucked away a high chair I'd thought about selling, but changed my mind (it's too old), and I mumbled, "No, I've been feeling a little bit discouraged."
"What? Couldn't hear you."
I turned around, but kept my eyes away from his. "I said, No."
Still not looking at him. "I dunno. I guess I've just felt a little discouraged." And then he dropped the subject and we made our way over to the couch. He turned on Vacation, which we've seen at least 100 times, and I zoned out.
What is my problem? Lately, I just don't care. (Although, I know I really do care to write because my heart started beating faster when I wrote "I just don't care.")
I'm re-reading Anne Lamott's Bird by Bird and I love it. But it's been inspiring me to write more freely than I have been. I've been trying to write with formulas in the interest of getting something done, but Anne says to write more about characters and let the story develop. What she says makes so much sense and every time I read her book I am so inspired. I think I'm lacking self-confidence and feeling overwhelmed.
Sometimes I feel I can conquer anything, I'm a warrior writer, and sometimes I feel I'm not worth conquering it. Like all I want to do is something I know I can do and that people will probably read -- blog posts on my running blog, Facebook status updates. Know what I mean?
How can I get some self-confidence back?
I'm participating in "Wannabe Writer" confessions at Confessions of the Unpublished. Go here for more info.