I Like It, I Like It Not

I can't not post. I have to vent.

I have been working really hard on writing toward my author goal for the past couple of weeks. I'm excited about it, but at the same time I am depressed.

Why? I keep changing my freaking mind, that's why!

(Sorry to yell at you...not your fault.)

Anyway, I have finally chosen to go with what I originally wanted to do, which is write a fiction novel. I'm focusing on the Middle Grade novel. I had a really great idea. Or, at least I thought it was really great.

But today I'm changing my mind again. The story I was going to write centered around a mother's terminal illness and now that I'm almost ready to actually sit down and hammer out real pages, I just found myself not wanting to write about that. I really don't feel like writing about death. Mr. T knows how I hate to be sad or scared. It's why I only do silly movies like The Three Amigos or Hot Tub Time Machine, and why I won't watch stuff like E.T. ever, ever again (I had nightmares...still do!).

So, today during my lunch break at work, I was like, "Why am I writing about death? This isn't me." I got up from my chair, walked to the bathroom and on the way back I had a better idea that I like more, and I got really excited about it.

But this is the problem. I am constantly doing this. I get so far as to tighten up/complete a synopsis, or sometimes I even do chapter synopses, and then I drop the whole thing like it's crawling with spiders.

I feel like I'm spinning myself in circles and coming out of it more confused than ever. I am full of self-doubt. I am second-guessing every tiny detail. And all I really want is to just stick with something good and sit down to write it.

I know there must be something positive about this lame-o process, but I can't see it right now. If you do, please share.